Gaining or Losing Confidence after Divorce

I have to share a really personal story, because I believe it has real relevance for anyone out there. Although losing confidence after divorce is so typical, I believe there is a benefit to notice that gaining confidence IS possible after a life changing event, even if the event appears to be “negative.” It is my experience, that although most divorcing people attempt to get friends and family to understand their side of the arguments they put forth, it is never one-sided!  People in the midst of divorce feel stifled and suffocated by their spouse at times, and sometimes the divorce is seen as the answer to “free” the person of the ball and chain.  Through the divorce, a person can feel free enough to now pursue the ideas, ideals, dreams, or goals that they did not feel they could arrange within the marriage. Truth be told, it theoretically could be possible to be free within the marriage as well, but that would take a path to allow freedom for both partners. Very hard to accept blame when a spouse believes he/she has been wronged, and it’s far easier to blame the other…

If one’s confidence is tied to another’s opinion of you, you will be a sitting duck during a divorce.  I say this with much love, because I want you to really begin to see yourself as powerful enough to create the life you want.  Only your own opinion of yourself matters, and when you are completely in tune to your inner guidance or inner being…you will clearly see yourself and others in a much better light.  Don’t allow your focus to be on mistakes made within your marriage–yours or your partners–because this line of thinking is completely counter to happiness.

Your self confidence, especially during a divorce, will wax and wane.  But you want to begin to get a stronger foundation that will set forth your new goals and ideas as a co-creator of your life.  Your new life can include love for yourself, flexible thinking, commitment to family, etc…For a while, you will flip-flop with mixed emotions, but if you are focused, you will eventually come to the narrow path to find your own happiness, without the conflicting thoughts from the past.  You will continue to define and redefine your goals, but as “Abraham” says, don’t be too focused on the goals; rather, be focused on the feelings associated with those goals.

For instance, if you are interested in making more money now that you are divorced, you will have that chance or many.  How you think about getting and receiving that money will define if and when the money comes.  If you just need a little more money, that is easier than if you need a lot of money!  If you focus on how good and free it feels to have the money, and how nice it will be to spend the money on fun things, then that is the process…Yet, if you focus on negative things, such as the outcomes of your divorce…”I’m so broke since my divorce,” it will be much more difficult to allow money to flow in a reasonable and consistent way.

I can attest to this truth, as it really did happen to me, that when I was confident about money, the money flowed, and when I lost confidence, the money stopped flowing so easily.  It was also true that overall my life had that same pattern, so that when I was confident about money, I was confident about all other matters as well, and when I lacked confidence about money, I lacked confidence about every other area.

That is why I thought it so important to remind you that you are important, you are needed in the world.  Your spouse doesn’t define you–only you do.  Who you are matters, not just to him/her, but to your family, your community, your world, really.  So, while you are going through hard times, know that there are a multitude of others who have also gone through it, and some have been really lousy at life and their divorce, and some people have really grown stronger as a result of their divorce.  I would think that you would want to learn from someone who is doing well, prospering, and growing, because I know that you are an active thinker, someone who knows that giving love, forgiving others, appreciating yourself, and living life to the fullest is really the best path–for yourself and all others, especially if you are parenting and want your children to prosper.

Let your confidence begin to soar, as you set aside the teeny, tiny details (believe me you will think they are big, important details now, but that will change) of your divorce and dividing your property and parenting “rights”.  Stay focused on what is working out well in the separating, give appreciation to your ex whenever you can, as it will definitely soften the person up a bit and turn things in your favor.  Stay focused on the general feelings you DO have about any topic that is good…like taking a walk, how great your kids are, what a nice family you do have, the support you are feeling right now when you need it.  It is there.  Nature knows no limitations, and is full of abundance…so when you are lacking in confidence, take some from nature…know that you are pre-paving your future right now.

Having real confidence takes time, because you may have built your confidence on what others, like your spouse, thought of you. I know in my situation, I so doted on what my ex and his family thought of me, that when things changed for him and they all began disliking me (just because blood is thicker than water)–they blamed me for any problems, I knew I had better find something good about myself–and it had to come from within me and nowhere else!  It was a real wake up call to understand what confidence is and where it SHOULD come from.  That is when my learning began: Who am I? Where do I come from? What is my true purpose? What lessons am I supposed to be learning from this experience?

I only recently learned from doing a chakra meditation, offered by DailyOm, that I was “sourcing my energy” from the negative energy of others. It took some time to bring the awareness to within myself and get clear that I wanted to have positive energy, clarity, fun, freedom, and love to be the dominant vibration in my life.  And sometimes big learning must wait until each of the hurdles of divorce are tended to.  Waiting until the divorce is final and things settle down, you may feel more ready to learn then.  I assure you that waiting means more negative energy!  Don’t wait to change until later, make a small change now to feel better about yourself, and this will bring you more good feelings about yourself and open up the possibilities for you.

And so with you, and I challenge you to ask yourself the hard questions about where you are getting your confidence from as well.  So that you may find it and keep it, and just keep allowing it to grow with faith that all is well.  Much love!




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